* or human

1.)   There is no one way. 

How could there be? This is so obvious I’m going to skip ahead to number two.

2.)   There is no timeline.

I hardly dare to write this post because what wisdom could I possibly have to share given the limited time I’ve spent on earth? Pre-Covid I spent many beautiful afternoons with a ninety-eight year old woman and drank in her ten decades of wisdom. So let me say a few things as someone who has taken voracious notes, and hopes to live long enough to test these theories in the future.

There is no timeline for learning how to be a woman. I mean, we are born female and we die female and figuring out what that means isn’t a 100 metre dash towards a clear finish line. You may think you have the answer at 35 only to completely revise your stance at 55. Who you are at 18 may not be who you are at 88. 

So take your time becoming. I know some love to speak of the maiden, mother and crone trichotomy, but I also know women whose hair is white and whose eyes sparkle like a child’s with the delight of having discovered something new and amazing. 

Take your time learning all the ways to be a woman.

3.)   There’s no flourishing for one without flourishing for all.

A high tide lifts all boats, but some of the boats are rubber dinghies with holes, taking on water in a ruthless storm. Throw down a line, pull one another up, sit at the table and feed one another’s children. 

There’s nobility in learning how to stitch up injuries, but there’s royalty in preventing the wars and wounds in the first place. 

We compete, we compare and we lose the sorority that might have been a lifeboat.

4.)   There’s joy in community.

I said there wasn’t one way to be a woman, and that’s true. But, it’s also true that we were created for relationships. Find people who are  for  something and serve alongside them. Forget yourself for awhile and cultivate old fashioned virtues. 

 5.)   There’s joy in love & sex.

Throughout Covid I’ve indulged more than usual in Latino telenovelas, my personal go-to form of escapism. My current favourite, which is a spoof of the genre, “Jane the Virgin”, has a lot to say about the diverse ways the modern women of Miami navigate love and sex. Alba, the abuela  has more traditional views. Xiomara, the sex-positive mom, has more progressive views. Jane, the protagonist, is navigating her way in between. 

If I could offer a formula, I would say when it comes to sex and love, joy = consent + concern + cherishing + commitment. I know many people want to subtract one or two or three factors from my equation, but on this topic I can only offer my personal experience and my observations of hurt and harm as women suffer for accepting less than wholeheartedness. 

6.)   There is no need to perform. (Who is watching?) 

Woman, be empathetic. Be fierce. Be loyal. Be kind. Be you, in all your uniqueness but please don’t feel like you need to document anything for anyone else. You don’t have to prove your wokeness, your allyship or your sensitivity in a post, in a pic, in a newsfeed… you just have to mourn with those who mourn. Be incarnate. Maybe you show up at a march, or maybe you show up at the home of someone who really needs your touch, your love, your presence. You can only be in one place at a time, so turn off your damn phone, and be present.

7.)   There are so few “Yeses”.

Let your “yes” be “yes” and your “no” be “no”. Woman, you are human. You are fragile and you have limits. Our culture says, “push the boundaries”, and I get it, we have been held back by The Patriarchy and The System, and yet we are also slaves to the idealism we can do it all, have it all, have it all at once, and none of the balls will fall to the floor. But what if there was freedom in drawing our own boundaries? In creating the kind of space where we say “yes” to a few good rituals and rhythms and firm “noes” to the demands on our resources that stretch us so far beyond any margin we would have set for ourselves if we’d taken the time.

Draw a boundary and watch how others find safety in it, even permission to draw their own. 

 8.)   There’s a woman of valour being shaped right this moment.

Nothing is wasted.

I love/ hate this expression because I value productivity and results and the payoff for investing of my time, of my self. But sometimes, you can work hard, you can persevere and you may not succeed. Much of life is timing and luck. There’s no formula that is foolproof, though I wish it were so. Whether it’s conflict, grief, failure or the mundane real or metaphorical experience of getting lost and wandering, nothing is wasted. Becoming a woman means taking stock of the highs and lows, and at the end of the day cherishing the person you are becoming, and gently loving her and encouraging her to keep going. 

So, dear reader, happy International Women’s day. I raise a glass to honour your life and the lives of the women you love. As a reader and a writer, I cherish your stories, because through our stories we begin to belong to one another.