Many years ago, at a sleepover, I picked up an adult’s diary and began to read. I got as far as the first sentence before slamming it shut and carefully replacing it on the shelf. The person who penned those opening lines couldn’t possibly be the same person who’d earlier bought me an ice-cream cone! I knew the adage “you can’t judge a book by its cover” but surely if someone smiled all the time, they couldn’t simultaneously endure such inner turmoil, could they? Fast forward to the present moment. If you were to reach onto my (secret, hidden) bookshelf and pull down any one of my leather journals, the first words you would read would be: BURN ME. Mine is a life of adversary, jealousy and mountains of insecurity… at least according to the crazy diatribe that is my diary. Like millions of others, I’m not alone trying to make sense of the world and my place in it by pushing words onto a page. But, loathe to offer up my unedited ramblings for general consumption, allow me instead to direct you to some brave souls who aren’t afraid to open their hearts and minds and offer some worthy reflections in the midst of this dark mid-winter.
Non-Fiction Mid-Winter Picks
The first book I read this winter was Jia Tolentino’s debut collection of nine essays called “Trick Mirror – Reflections on Self-Delusion.” I’d read a positive review in the Globe and Mail but otherwise knew nothing about Tolentino. (Turns out, she’s a Filipino-Canadian from Toronto, raised in Houston, works as a staff writer at the New Yorker and spent a year in Kyrgyzstan with the Peace Corps.) Her book has been endorsed by some literary heavy-weights, too. Zadie Smith writes:
“It’s easy to write about things as you wish they were—or as others tell you they must be. It’s much harder to think for yourself, with the minimum of self-delusion. It’s even harder to achieve at a moment like this, when our thoughts are subject to unprecedented manipulation, monetization, and surveillance. Yet Tolentino has managed to tell many inconvenient truths in Trick Mirror—and in enviable style. This is a whip-smart, challenging book that will prompt many of us to take a long, hard look in the mirror. It filled me with hope.”
I was pulled into Tolentino’s narrative and engaging style from the get-go; her intellect is so sharp, reading her essays felt like a university course in cultural criticism. She references and summarizes so many quirks of popular culture, it’s cerebral acrobatics to keep up. Yet, I felt compelled to do so because millennials are so routinely disparaged for their (lack of ) attention span. Unlike her (unfairly?) maligned peers, Jia Tolentino has not been sleepwalking through her life (though she has done a lot of drugs) and I wanted to see the world through her eyes. I’ve always been drawn to the wisdom of elders, and sometimes a bit dismissive of younger people. But you can’t argue with someone with brains like Tolentino’s and I was curious to know more about a worldview shaped so profoundly by social media and its tentacles. Partly, I read her book for selfish reasons. She’s a prophet describing the future my own children will inherit. What kind of parent ignores predictions of the future? (Answer: most. Prophets are not universally venerated. Too much bad news. Too much behaviour modification required. I digress…)
Consider this excerpt from the first essay, where she writes about the internet:
“I’ve been thinking about five intersecting problems: first, how the internet is built to distend our sense of identity; second, how it encourages us to overvalue our opinions; third, how it maximizes our sense of opposition; fourth, how it cheapens our understanding of solidarity; and, finally, how it destroys our sense of scale.”
One interesting note about these essays. In the online criticism and praise for Tolentino’s collection, many of her peers (read bookish Millennials) are lukewarm about her most scathing cultural critiques and want more of her personal stories. I was less interested in her reality-tv escapades or her punishing barre classes & expensive salads and more intrigued by her essay “The Story of a Generation in Seven Scams.” It was this kind of analysis of our times that earns her the deserved accolades and comparison to Susan Sontag and Joan Didion. If you’re part of a book club, or you suspect parts of your brain are turning to mush and you want to fight back, put “Trick Mirror” on your 2020 list of books to read.
The second book that kept me company in these dark January days, was “Inspired”, the late Christian blogger, author and all-round ex-evangelical influencer Rachel Held Evan’s last book. In contrast to Tolentino, I knew who Rachel Held Evans was, and had seen her speak in Grand Rapids Michigan a few years before her untimely and tragic death. I remember being captivated by her honesty and her deep desire to wrestle with what she believed; to find her identity through words and in community. Consider these words from Rachel Held Evans:
“I’m in no rush to patch up these questions. God save me from the day when stories of violence, rape, and ethnic cleansing inspire within me anything other than revulsion. I don’t want to become a person who is unbothered by these texts, and if Jesus is who he says he is, then I don’t think he wants me to either. There are parts of the Bible that inspire, parts that perplex, and parts that leave you with an open wound. I’m still wrestling, and like Jacob, I will wrestle until I am blessed. God hasn’t let go of me yet.”
Insofar as they both challenge the world with words and struggle to see themselves in the larger narrative, Rachel Held Evans and Jia Tolentino are not so far apart.
Tolentino grew up in the Mega-Church sub-culture of Houston in the 90’s and early 2000’s and Held Evans in Dayton, Tennessee, a town at one time known for its staunch opposition to teaching evolution. Both young authors end up questioning the church of their youth. Both bright, astute observers of the world around them, their books convey the soul-wrenching angst that comes from deeply examining the world and trying to locate oneself in it. In her first essay in “Trick Mirror” Tolentino writes “I am always confused because I can never be sure of anything, and because I am drawn to any mechanism that directs me away from that truth. Writing is either a way to shed my self-delusions or a way to develop them.” Where Tolentino abandons her faith, Held Evans attempts to reconcile hers by reframing the stories of the Bible using memoir, original poetry, short stories, soliloquies, and even a short screenplay.
In contrast to Tolentino’s essays, where caffeine is recommended for maximum absorption, you can curl up with Held Evans book and hear her voice as she pulls you into a crazy story perhaps you thought you knew. I wish Rachel Held Evans were alive to read Jia Tolentino’s book, and I’d love to know Jia’s take on “Inspired.” I’m guessing it might go a bit like this .
Two prophets walk into a bar. The bartender says to the first, “What’s happening?”
She (wearing a tube top) answers, “It’s all doom.”
He gives her a whiskey and she slips some ecstasy under her tongue.
He then turns to the second prophet. “All doom?”
She shakes her head. “It’s not great, but there’s hope.”
He gives her a free tab for life, but because this is a tragedy in one act, she dies from a rogue virus before she can take advantage.
The first prophet wants to know how she can get a tab for life. The bartender says, “Keep writing and come back when you’ve got some good news.”
She scribbles in her diary all night long, or at least until the ecstasy wears off. She goes back and re-reads large portions of it later, adding notes in the margins. We haven’t heard the last of her.
I hope.
*Pure Heroines - The 4th essay in Tolentino’s collection which unpacks female protagonists in literature.
*Resistance Stories - The 5th essay in Rachel Held Evans book which could be summarized as “Jesus and the Confederate Flag.”