1.) There is no one way.
How could there be? This is so obvious I’m going to skip ahead to number two.
2.) There is no timeline.
I hardly dare to write this post because what wisdom could I possibly have to share given the limited time I’ve spent on earth? Pre-Covid I spent many beautiful afternoons with a ninety-eight year old woman and drank in her ten decades of wisdom. So let me say a few things as someone who has taken voracious notes, and hopes to live long enough to test these theories in the future.
There is no timeline for learning how to be a woman. I mean, we are born female and we die female and figuring out what that means isn’t a 100 metre dash towards a clear finish line. You may think you have the answer at 35 only to completely revise your stance at 55. Who you are at 18 may not be who you are at 88.
So take your time becoming. I know some love to speak of the maiden, mother and crone trichotomy, but I also know women whose hair is white and whose eyes sparkle like a child’s with the delight of having discovered something new and amazing.
Take your time learning all the ways to be a woman.
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The first Mother’s Day I didn’t hug my mom was May 1998, when I lived abroad in Mexico and went for almost an entire year without seeing my parents. I was seventeen. Mexican women, other mothers, raised me that year. My mom might have disapproved of my choice of strappy heels (she totally did), but she was 3,000 miles away. Over the years I’m guessing we’ve been apart more than we’ve been together on the second Sunday in May. There are plenty of reasons we’re not often with her to celebrate Mother’s Day (distance, work, in-laws), but the truth is that she’s just not the kind of mom that expects me to show up because Hallmark deems it so. Not only did I draw “unfussy mom” in the life lottery, but I also got a mom who has encouraged me to seek wisdom from other women and cultivate relationships far and wide. I’m sorry she was on her own today, but she’s a gardener; she knows that when you throw seeds in the air, sometimes you have to watch flowers grow from a distance.
As a kid, I spent a lot of time with my mom’s close girlfriends and my dad’s sisters. I thought everyone grew up sharing a bed with their aunties, spending special weekends in the city or travelling across the country in creaky hatchbacks without a plan.
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A few months ago, I looked at the calendar and realized this year school was letting out a little earlier and Labour Day was later. “What a long summer this will be,” February Me thought. “We should take a road trip!” Out came the maps. Could we drive through the Finger Lakes and then head north and see the entire Gaspé Peninsula? What are the secondary highways in Maine like? When would the lupins be flowering? That was then. Summer, like Winter and Spring, got a lot longer for everyone as we headed into March Break, or, as I have come to think of it now, the beginning of a new season we can just call the era of “fresh baked carbs.” The weird thing is, while I really was going to try “going Keto” (someday!), I may have secretly wished for a time warp like this. As J.T (our bearded Prime Minister) would say, “Let me be clear”… I did not wish for, nor would I ever wish for a pandemic, but I have caught myself many times in the last year thinking, “I would love to stop time.” Well, here we are…
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There’s an old song from the thirties I’ve always loved, maybe because I love origin stories. It begins, “I was born under a silvery moon, with a pirate’s heart.” Written by Agustin Lara, a troubadour who played piano in nightclubs when he was only twelve years old, it’s an ode to Veracruz, a city on the Gulf of Mexico where Hernan Cortés’ Spanish flotilla first collided with Huastec, Otomí, Totonac and Olmec civilization. Five hundred years later, Veracruzanos are dark-skinned, fair-skinned, freckled, tall, short. They may have black almond eyes or large green eyes, hooked noses or aquiline profiles… “Jarochos”, as people from the port city are affectionately called, are fond of nicknaming their friends and neighbours by their most obvious physical trait. Chubby? You’re “gordo”. Skinny? They’ll call you “flaco”. No tan? Güero. It’s the end of July, and I’m sitting by the water in my hometown, calling my “other” home, Veracruz, to wish Martha –my Mexican mama– a “Happy Birthday”, humming the old familiar tune until she picks up.
“Hola Güerita,” she answers, in her sing song accent.
“I found tickets to come see you in December!” I tell her excitedly, never imagining a few days later the cost of our reunion will break my heart.
“Excellente, mi hija,” she replies. Now tell me how you’ve been…
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As a kid, when I used to get sick, I was sent to my grandmother’s home to lie on a brown and orange velour couch. My parents were working in the orchard, and even if they weren’t, my grandmother was the best nurse around. She brought me stale ginger ale, dry toast and let me watch the Andy Griffith Show and Leave it to Beaver. After lunch there were only soap operas on television, so she turned to her bookshelves to find me something to read. Though I loved Anne of Green Gables, Little Women and Charlotte’s Web, none of those (WASP) classics touched me like Anne DeVries’ novel Journey Through the Night. This slim series of stories, commissioned to capture the war years, were popular in the Netherlands and in Canada in English translation. The story of one family’s heroism captured my imagination, but also perhaps coloured my imagination, and my self-perception. After devouring the harrowing survival tale of war, I concluded that I belonged to a salt-of-the earth tribe. My people were oppressed, resisted and survived to tell the story. If anyone (like say, Queen Wilhelmina) were looking to boost the self-esteem of a generation using the novel as a propaganda vehicle, it worked. I grew up believing that basically every Dutch citizen had tried to save Anne Frank. It wasn’t until I began interviewing my own family about the realities of the war that I realized life wasn’t, isn’t, so black and white.
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I’m chilled to the bone with rain seeped through my sweater, toes cold from walking through puddles on the glassy asphalt in Fashion Boots instead of Practical Boots. It’s grey and windy, and though I was tempted to stay inside and keep warm by the fire, I’m pulled west today. As soon as the kids are bundled into the car after school, we head into the downtown traffic. It takes us three quarters of an hour in the pouring rain to get from our neighbourhood in the east end, a few kilometres from the steel mills, to the leafy west end university borough with the gold and green storefront, but we have to go to this place today, because it won’t be open tomorrow, or ever again.
Did you ever see Nora and Delia Ephron’s 1998 movie “You’ve Got Mail”, starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan?
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